Go to Bed

My poor little blog has been neglected this month!  I bet you're all very curious what I did with my extra day in February, haha.  We did use it to go pick out a rocker for the nursery.  I sure am glad we ordered it that night, with the newest occurrences in our lives.  I've been put on bed rest - doctor's orders!

It is crazy to feel so out of control of my life.  People may joke that as I've come to terms with my situation because I have certainly taken to the role of delegation, but I have no other way of having any control of things happening in my household right now! 

When I found out about bed rest orders, I was not okay.  I was an anxiety-ridden mess and couldn't stop crying.  The anxiety was due to the following:

1. work
How am I logistically supposed to deal with leaving school in the middle of the day, with my desk a mess, my lesson plans incomplete, my 177 students needing me, and just trust other people to cover for me?  How am I supposed to take care of what I still need to do from home with no supplies, resources, or things I may need?

2. Miles
Call me old fashioned, but I like to be there for my husband - even if I am the pregnant one.  He's been dealing with some health-related business of his own, and being placed on bed rest totally compounded the stress of his situation, for me anyway.  I also have to watch him work hard all day and take care of me each night now.

3. control
I enjoy taking care of my own "stuff."   We are super lucky to have amazing support from our family and friends.  We already rely on them a lot in life.  I usually can manage my own household, though, so knowing I would have to let someone else help with laundry, dishes, cleaning, food, everything freaked me out, badly.  It isn't due to not feeling as though they will complete a task to my standard, it's just that I actually like doing things and being the one to have done it. 

4. preeclampsia
I have preeclampsia, which is not a very nice thing for my baby, or me, apparently.  She will most likely be joining our little family earlier than planned.  All I want is for her to make it full term - 37 weeks.

5. life
All of the sudden my chance to do this or that before baby arrives was gone.  Some of that was selfish, unimportant "should haves," such as getting to go do this or that with friends, but mainly it was that to do list.  It was getting to attend the baby showers that people lovingly planned for me.  It was the fact that I thought I had time left before I was a mother to be me or do certain things, and now that was time was gone. 

So, that's where my head was at for about the first five days of bed rest.  It was reeling with one anxiety after another.  Today, day thirteen of bed rest, I am at a much better place.  I've embraced the support and love surrounding me, and I have come to terms with the fact that I am not allowed to do anything.  I'm also feeling a ton better than I have in a really long time, physically.  It makes me realize that this is what I need, what the baby needs.  That helps me be okay with it all.  Every anxiety I've listed above is still there, but I've learned how to cope with each in its own way.  My perspective on some things has changed and my heart has melted with how much everyone is willing to do for me.

Thank you, with all of my heart, to everyone who has sent encouraging thoughts, brought amazing meals, helped me throughout the day, been there for me in any and every way.  I appreciate it so much and can't wait to be back on my feet to help you, pay you back, and be there for all of you!